Today is a Tuesday. It’s a typical Tuesday in your current world. You’ve worked from home, in between putting your oldest on the bus and being there for pick up.
Truthfully, my life today is probably no where near what you thought it would be.
To start, I have 2 kids. Yep, you read that right…not just 1, but 2! I know you never really gave much thought to children, you were too into your life and career.
Oh speaking of career…yeah turns out all that never really panned out as you planned either. I mean, yes I am still doing the same thing that you had your heart set on. Honestly, I pushed the limits and expanded my horizons when I started learning to design and code for the web. Bet, you never saw that coming! But the corner office at some fancy design agency…ha, yeah that didn’t happen. Although my career isn’t perfect or maybe not even what you had dreamed of, it certainly has sustained the family that you didn’t plan for.
You waited & waited to be 18, a legal adult. All those years, it felt like your life was going in slow motion. 18 years felt like the longest eternity. Well I’m here to tell you, basically I blinked and somehow 20 years went by. And it’s not stopping, it’s only picking up speed. Most days I just hold on tight for the ride.
You looked at almost 40 as old. I recall you lovingly saying to your parents that you’d be putting them in a home when they were 40. 40 was stable, comfortable…and old. Ha ha. You never ever feel like you’ve arrived. But the truth of the matter is; I’m glad I haven’t arrived. I’m thankful to be on the journey. Once I am not on the journey anymore, I won’t be here to tell you about the destination.
All those ‘best friends’ that you couldn’t live without…you actually could because I am. Many friends serve a season in your life. It’s only a precious few who come for a lifetime. Don’t mix seasonal people up with lifetime expectations, I have done it and it doesn’t end well.
Always always always follow your gut. Your gut reaction is strong, and almost always correct. When you went against your gut, I have always ended up regretting it.
And probably the most important lesson that I wish I could go back and tell you is:
There is so much more to you and so many better things to spend your time on. Stop letting the mirror dictate your self-worth. Truthfully, in life, nobody cares. Be you. Do you. Be happy. Stop stepping on that stupid scale. Feel healthy. And if you don’t feel those things, take action. Change it. Stand up for yourself.
Today is my birthday. Do you know what that means?
Besides the fact that I’ve taken another trip around the sun, another 365 days of magic, it means I have officially been writing on this blog for a full year now. Every year on my birthday, I look back and reflect on what my year looked like. Usually my year is categorized by a few ‘big’ things, sometimes they are happy and sometimes, as life can do to you, they are not. Mostly though, I have a hard time remembering what happened in the year or what I was thinking. But this year is a little different, as I have a written record in the 7 blogs that I published.
So what did this year look like?
Stress. Pressure. Purge. Transformation. Growth.
I have two kids, Sweet R and Beast R. Every day when they wake up, I ask them the same exact question…
“Did you grow last night? You look taller and older than you did when I put you to bed.”
Sweet R always laughs and says “Of course I did, I’m getting so big”. It’s so easy to see the transformation and growth in my kids, they are literally growing and changing before my eyes. The year to year comparisons are just unreal; physically, emotionally & developmentally.
Why is it that we, as grown ups, don’t seem to continue to look for growth within ourselves? Even if only on a yearly basis, we need to dig deep and ‘trust the process’.
This year I purged my life.
I cleaned my entire house out, ROOM BY ROOM. I got rid of so much junk that sometimes my husband thought he was gonna go too. I got a new car, new cell phone, wiped my contacts, gave away the clothes that I was never going to fit into again (because let’s face it, it isn’t happening and it’s just making me feel bad), sold all my baby gear and baby clothes/shoes.
And let me tell you how good it felt. It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.
My motto this year: You do you.
The older I get: the better I get to know myself, the more confident I feel following my gut and the less I care about what other people think. Asking myself questions like: Why am I putting people in my life as a priority when I am merely an option to them? Realizing who was treating me as an option, now that was not an easy pill to swallow. But I’m trusting the process.
To everyone who followed me along on this blog journey, who read along, encouraged me and commented (either to me in person or on the blog), thank you from the bottom of my heart. I truly enjoyed getting back to my writing roots. I love writing and honestly forgot about that part of myself.
I have a lot more things on my mind, so I’m hoping to be able to increase the number of posts this next year and maybe even spiff up the site. But for now…
Here’s to the next 365 days…wherever that takes me, it’s gonna be something I tell ya.
About 2 months ago, I was sitting at my kitchen island on a Tuesday morning drinking my coffee and feeding my little guy breakfast before I started work for the day.
I had already gotten my daughter and husband out the door and off to their Tuesday morning coffee date before he drops her off at school for the day. The sun was shining in the front windows and it felt amazing. All I needed was some good ole Tuesday morning inspiration.
Quickly I decided to find a Rachel Hollis podcast to get me going for the day.
If you don’t know who Rachel Hollis is, please take a moment to google her sometime. She’s the author of “Girl, Wash Your Face” and her latest book “Girl, Stop Apologizing”. She does many other things; like run companies, be a mom and inspire many people.
She touched on one thing that I have had burned in my brain for 2 months now. You see, she was talking about time & life circumstances. How there are so many differences that can give people a leg up in life, such as amount of money you have, or your network of connections, or your job. Everyone is always asking her how she seems to fit everything that she does into one day, and how people always say that’s unrealistic to their life circumstances.
However, she so nicely points out that we all have one thing in common…
“We all have the same 24 hours. And only you can decide how to use them.”
Let that sink in for a minute, read that again…
“We all have the same 24 hours. And only you can decide how to use them.”
Sorta crazy to think about right? Every person on Earth has the same amount of time in a day.
So what is your time worth to you?
This question that has been on the top of my mind for awhile, far before hearing this podcast. It’s actually the subject of many many conversations that my husband and I have had this year.
Obviously we can quantify our time within our careers, it would be how much we make. Our salary or hourly wage has to equal more than our bills, or at least that’s the goal.
But what about your ‘free time’? The time you spend outside of your normal 9-5 (or whatever it is you do in life). What is your time worth?
Would you rather go grocery shopping, or take your kid to the park while someone runs through a grocery store & stands in line for you?
Would you rather cut your grass, or have someone do that for you during the workday?
Would you rather spend your life doing laundry, or would you like to have someone pick it up, do it and drop it off folded?
That project you’d love to get done in the house…yes, you or your husband could do it, but will it get done? And how long will it take?
Grocery delivery. Lawn maintenance. Laundry service. Contractors. Yes, they all cost money, but time is money after all…right?
What if I said this thought can be applied to who you spend your ‘free time’ with?
Think about it. We all know those people, the ones who are complete energy drains on your system. You know, Suzy, who complains nonstop about everything. You end up feeling tired, drained and out of energy after your interaction with them. You could of gotten so much done that day, but she took your energy.
So the question of how much your time is worth, goes straight down to who you are spending it with. Are you spending time with people who are good for your soul? People who rejuvenate your soul? And as bad as it sounds, people who are worthy of your time?
Nobody can tell you what your ‘free time’ is worth. This is a completely personal question that you’d have to take time to think about. Time is very valuable, we all never seem to have enough of it. And yes, we all have the same amount.
I challenge you to think about it. What is your time worth? How are you spending it? Can you make changes that will give you more time?
Today, April 3, 2019, is my 15th Wedding Anniversary. 15th!!
Am I even old enough to be married for 15 years? Most days I’d tell you that there is no way that I’m old enough to be married for that long. Except those days when my kids run me ragged or have decided not to sleep. Most days I’d tell you that I feel about 17 years old.
How did we get here? The answer in my head is ‘I have absolutely no idea’. But the truth is that we worked hard to get here. A lot of people seem to think that marriage should be easy, that it shouldn’t feel like work. Certainly, I am not a lot of people.
My husband and I have a great story. We met at the ripe age of 12, in the 7th grade of St. Ann’s School. It wasn’t love at first sight, we definitely didn’t even want to be friends. But slowly over the years, we wore each other down and became the best of friends. We dated off and on (mostly just on) through high school and college.
In 2004, after graduating from college and spending 4 years across the country from each other, we got married.
5 moves, 2 houses, 2 kids, 2 dogs, a miscarriage, 6 grandparents lost, 5 jobs, 1 career change, 3 college graduations, 8 cars, 4 car accidents, bills, friendships gained, 1 rental property, bills, 15+ vacations, 2 trips (lol), bills, friendships lost, bills, countless dreams shared…the list could go on.
Personally, I think we’ve made it look easy for everyone on the outside. From the outside, our story looks like a real life fairy tale. And trust me when I say, I feel lucky. Lucky to have met my person and been able to share my entire life with him. There is truly no other person who I would want to do life with, no better person to be the father of my children.
But people, the truth is I AM NO CINDERELLA.
Some days it feels like we’ve been married for a hot minute, and some days it feels like 115 years have went by. Marriage is work, relationships are work.
I asked my husband what he learned over the 15 years we’ve been married. What was one lesson he would share with people? His reply was: “Just enjoy the journey.” I needed an explanation, I wasn’t really sure where he was going with this one. He went on to explain that no marriage is perfect, but that you have to embrace the good with the bad and just hang on to each other through it all. I liked it, it’s similar to what I’d say to people.
4 lessons I have learned from marriage:
Show up. Showing up is half the battle. Be present, take the time to hear them. You don’t always have to talk, a simple hug goes a long way. Just be there, have their back. Loyalty, show them how important they are to you.
Team work & communicate. Work together, instead of against each other. Believe it or not, you are both working towards the same goal…being happy in whatever life you’ve built or are building for yourself. Tackle life together. Actually talk to each other. Don’t confuse this with always agreeing, just because you are married does not mean you share a brain.
Take time to yourself. Give your partner time to be themselves, time to do their thing. And in turn, give you time to be yourself, time to do your thing. This one might sound the opposite of what I have been saying in 1. and 2. above, but hear me out. Speaking for myself, I am a better person when I have time to breathe and be myself. This used to mean a vacation alone, now it means time in the bathroom alone. Like I said before, you’re married, you don’t share a brain. You don’t have to be together 24/7 just because you got married, guaranteed doing something for yourself will make you a better partner, probably a better parent too.
Laugh. This needs 0 explanation, laughter makes everything easier. If you can find laughter in life, it makes it easier to live…so keep laughing.
This is Us. We aren’t perfect, but we show up day after day for each other. Fails, successes…we just keep laughing. Sometimes it’s teary-eyed crying laughter, and sometimes we laugh until we cry.
Love you Nick, always have and always will. Thanks for always showing up. Cheers to the rest of our story.
Today was not my finest day. Today I was not my best self, I was not the best mom/wife. Today I had a ‘poor me party’, where I was the only one who showed up. Today I wouldn’t of won ‘Mom Of The Year’. Today I was mentally checked out, unavailable…just going through the motions. Today I failed.
You see I’ve been up since 2:15am, when my son started restlessly coughing. By 3:45am, I was laying on the couch willing him to close his eyes (more like screaming in my mind to go the f&$k to sleep, which I might of said out loud at one point). I dosed off between 4am and 7am, but any parent who has slept with a kid on the couch knows…it ain’t sleeping.
My hat goes off to all the Stay At Home parents out there. I will never pretend to be one or want to be one. I am not cut out to stay home, it’s not in my DNA and I’m ok with that.
I’m lucky that I am able to be off on Mondays to spend time with my kids (it came with a price of 1/5 of my salary, but the memories I’ve made with my daughter have no price tag). My job allows me to work from home on Tuesdays, I’m lucky and thankful to have that flexibility. Don’t confuse that flexibility with ease. Working from home with kids is a challenging struggle, to put it mildly.
Without that flexibility, I would of easily lost my job by now. Since the middle of January, I’d be lucky if I have made it to work 3 full weeks (which is only 3 days per week).
Of all the things we’ve caught this year, not a one of them has been a break.
If you read my last blog, you’ll remember that our Disney trip was one big fail which ended in non-stop sickness throughout February. Sadly, March has been no different. We’ve had cluster headaches, the stomach flu, pink eye, an ear infection/earache and a thrown out back (don’t even ask).
(And for anyone who would like to point out that my 8 month old goes to daycare…you are correct. My 8 month old does go to daycare 2 days a week. And in the past 2 months I think he’s made it to daycare 4 or 5 times (2 weeks). So keep your daycare judgements to yourself. I don’t judge you for your nanny or your in-home care or your family member or for being a stay at home.)
It’s March 25th and I’m just done…fed up, tired and frustrated. Everyday I look in the mirror and I see more grays, more wrinkles, more bags. My body feels so beat up and I’m exhausted.
You know the last time I did anything leisurely? The last time my husband and I had dinner together that didn’t consist of keeping other humans occupied? The last time I went to the gym? Watched TV? Slept without interruption?
This is real life. This isn’t some fake Facebook best life post. This $hit is hard.
So to all you parents out there that are struggling, feel like you can’t catch a break, are rundown, feel like you are sinking…
Today I failed…but I’m gonna wake up tomorrow (maybe at 2:15am again, who knows) and I’m gonna try all over again.
Welcome people! This is my first official blog post and it’s my birthday. There I said it…IT’S MY BIRTHDAY. I’m not shy about it, honestly I’m not super shy about much. Birthdays are usually my favorite, they were always really special growing up. With all the warm and fuzziness from growing up, I try hard to make sure my kids birthdays are really special. If I can’t get it right everyday of the year, at least I can attempt to get it right on the one day that really means something.
Every year as an adult, I attempt to look back on the past year. Sometimes I start a project or journey that I have been thinking about, regardless of what I do (or don’t do)…I try to look for growth. So this year, I’m going to start a blog. A blog about my life that incorporates my sense of humor and the way I look at life, about my journey as a woman, mom, wife and what I think about & encounter on a daily basis. God help us all and god help me, my thoughts on the internet…this could get bad. Right now it doesn’t look like much, but I’m just starting out and I gotta start somewhere.
Basically I was unprepared for my 36th year of life, but let me explain…
Have you ever received a gift that you didn’t want? Not just a gift that you didn’t like because it was the wrong size, color or just wasn’t you. A gift that meant something was coming that you weren’t prepared for…a gift that was a great sentiment, but at the complete wrong time.
Last year, my wonderful husband gave me this as a present on my birthday. I opened it up and couldn’t even read it, I placed it back in the box and closed the lid with tears in my eyes. You see the necklace said “no longer by my side but forever in my heart” (with paw prints), but my dog was sitting at my feet COMPLETELY ALIVE…for now.
It was 10 days previous to this that we had taken Cliff to the vet and they told us that he had a mass in his bladder. A mass that nothing could be done about, they told us to just keep him comfortable and we’d know when it was time. This news was still fresh and it hurt. Cliff was my first baby, he was my baby before I had real human babies.
I always attempt to start a new birth year with a fresh start. I was in need of a new start. The past year was spent praying, wishing and hoping for another addition to our family and I had ended up with a prolonged miscarriage. A loss and experience that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, a life changing event. Just 10 days prior to my ‘fresh start’, I knew that sometime in my next year I would be experiencing another loss. And my thoughtful husband decided to engrave my pending loss in a pendant for me to wear around my neck, and give it to me for my birthday. I didn’t want this gift. I didn’t want to think about this and I certainly didn’t want to wear it. So I hid it in a box in a drawer. At this point in my life, if I could of gotten in the box and hid in the drawer…I would of done the same.
Fast forward a year later…
Today, on my 37th birthday, I have that same necklace…the gift that I didn’t want to receive last year…around my neck. Yes I ended up losing Cliff, and yes it hurt a lot and yes I still miss him. But today, I am wearing it proudly, because it turns out that it was actually a gift that I treasure. The whole story makes me laugh now, and the fact that I get to keep it in my back pocket and throw it at my husband when I need to prove a point…makes me smile. It was definitely the right present given to me at the wrong time, but regardless he knew what I needed…but shhh don’t tell him that.
Today as I’m wearing the gift I never wanted to receive around my neck, I received another necklace from my little family. A necklace that has 2 pendants on it with the names of my 2 kids on it, the exact gift that I spent 2 years praying for. Life is full of irony.